Arrrghhh! (Or something like that!)

Sorry ya’ll I’ve just not been in the mood to post anything lately! Went to the doctor to today for my monthly check up. I had a few errands to do before I got there and by the time I got to my appointment, I was in a lot of pain. Not my usual shoulder/neck/back pain, or my knees, ankles or elbows that all have been problems for decades but this time is was my heart that was hurting the most. And it has been now for the last few days my primary pain.

Believe me when I tell you that you can put off pain from your extremities, or just about anywhere else better than you can true heart pain. It is a deep and disturbing pain that has a special troublesome feeling. Some of the heart pain I have been putting up with since recovering from the operation 14 years ago and it took a decade for them to figure it out too...

When they nearly cut my heart in half in order to cut out the aortic valve, they created scars of course. The scarring caused nerve damage and it is neuro pain that I feel there. That can not be stopped with your “normal” pain medications, it takes a neuro med like Gabapentin, which I took for about three months before giving the shit up! It made me a zombie and I could not use my software, I could not study or concentrate on anything. So since then I have just put up with that pain, next month being two years since I stopped using it.

Now though, there is a new pain in a different area of my heart and it was quite difficult to explain the pain to my doctor today (now yesterday technically). It is deeper and more serious. It feels like major construction is happening there! I told my doctor it has been lately as if all the warning lights on my personal dashboard are flashing brightly.

For years now the medical people say to me when I say “heart pain”, they ask “Do you mean chest pain?” And it sort of pisses me off. I didn’t say chest pain did I? NO! My fucking heart has been cut in half! I know where my heart is and what the fuck it feels like! I know exactly where the pain is coming from. So in the future when I say heart pain, that is what I mean. If my chest starts bothering me, I’ll say so. (I have not been a happy camper the last few days!)

So my doctor and I talked more about death and my dying soon today as well. He is a very good person and he and I have talked politics for nearly a decade during my visits. He is a good progressive socialist like I am, like the Founding Fathers were. The doctor is visibly upset that his hands are so tied on this matter. He is not allowed to use his medical training and thoughts on some of this, rather he must obey the laws of Colorado, which are not humane or dignified. He knows that I will have to commit suicide at some point and that I do not yet have a good means to do this.

Speaking on that subject, on my way home from the doctor this evening I was listening to the Norman Goldman Show and they were talking about the death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman. So I had to call in to talk about this death.

I am actually quite jealous of how Hoffman got to leave this planet. My goodness, he didn’t even get the needle out of his arm! How cool is that? I’ve always heard that a heroin overdose is an ugly, bad way out. But if it is that quick, how bad can it be. I never thought I would be hunting down heroin for my death, but after this weekend I’ve really been thinking about it. Amazing that it is so much easier to buy heroin than it is to get Nembutal when you are terminal! That needs to change.

There is no reason that I should have to commit any criminal acts in order to Die With Dignity!