Death With Dignitym2

2014 is my last year here
thoughts of Robert M


At the age of fifteen I contracted acute rheumatic fever, was in quarantine the first three days of the twelve days I was hospitalized. From that moment on was doomed to have a different life than most other people, I was a “severe” medical risk, a time bomb set in slow motion. At that time I did not know what was in store for me, though I was told some scary stories and that I wouldn’t live past the age of 45. And if I did live past that, it would only because I would have had parts of my heart, if not my whole heart replaced.

Robert M's First Call Into The Norman Goldman Show

Contact me at and please Skype me using my Skype name: Dying.With.Dignity

Friday, April 11, 2014

My first call on the Alan Colmes Show

Wednesday night I was driving for just a few minutes, turned on the radio and the Alan Colmes Show was on. This lady was talking and I quickly realize that she was talking about someone in the same situation as me. Then she mentioned this guy talking on the Norman Goldman show and that his name was Robert!

No way! It sort of freaked me out. Up until then I thought the show was being broadcasted live and that Alan Colmes was a late night person. I tried to call in and then found out the show is broadcasted at 4:00 PM my time. So I decided that I would be one of Alan’s first callers for Thursday. Turns out I was his first caller for the day!

Getting assistance during your last months

More updating of what has been going on with me and my situation. It is so damned crazy how things work out here in the USA and in Denver, CO as well. My “ObamaCare” kicked in, by that I mean the Medicaid has gone in affect for me now and I am seeing immediate savings!

A couple weeks ago I had an echocardiogram and a zero co-pay! It normally would have been $2.00 but they were having a “glitch” in charging at the moment. My previous one was a $15.00 co-pay.

I’ve talked with a social worker with Denver Health to find out about any assistance I might be able to get other than the Medicaid and Food Stamps I am receiving now. It has been getting pretty tough to get any kind of computer work done lately and there’s no other type of work I can do. In fact, I have paperwork from my doctor stating that I can not work now.

Here in Denver I have the option to get the aortic heart valve replacement surgery and all the medical follow up care. They have a great medical system here, but I do NOT want to get the surgery done again. We are talking at least $150,000.00 worth of medical bills being covered. But yet there is nothing in place to help take care of someone when they do not want the surgery.

You would think that the hospice money that kicks in when you’re in my condition could cover my rent, but that is not how it works. For the most part hospice is for profit and you play by their rules. If I have home hospice, that can help with cooking, cleaning, shopping and the like. But it doesn’t help you maintain a place to live UNLESS you live at a place other than yours! That’s bullshit!

(You see, there is this automatic money that kicks in as soon as a doctor does the paperwork saying you in most likelihood with be dead in six months or less. That money is NOT for you really, but for the agencies and corporations that get to take taxpayer’s money every time someone is about to die. It is a scam.)

So the social worker told me about a month ago she would send an application to see if I could get this grant, that if approved would pay for three month’s rent. I was told two days ago that I was not approved because I won’t be able to better or advance myself with the use of this grant! Dying doesn’t fit into the rules!

At that same time last month I was able to get help applying for Social Security and SSI at Denver Health and my situation allowed them to use the “expedite” forms. So for the last two weeks now I’ve been getting various forms of paperwork back from the Social Security departments! Two days ago I get this letter from them listing all of the things I have in my claim.

I noticed some things are wrong and decided to use the phone number they suggest in the paperwork and asked for the person listed. It was a short wait and then I got to leave a message. I got a call back a little later the same day and she said that I do not have to worry about the corrections until I am approved. That had me to ask, “Approve what? I supplied actual documented doctor forms and was told this would be expedited.” She replied back that it is being expedited, but wait a minute and she would confirm that.

She came back on and said that my case is being expedited and I should hear back from them in five to six months! I told her I will probably not be alive that long. She said that’s all that can be done for now.

So it is getting pretty tough to survive/stay in my apartment these days! The last two months a good friend has volunteered to pay my rent, but I can not expect for that to keep happening. I need to find some kind of real sponsor!

On the Norman Goldman Show today!

Hey you all! I’m sorry that I have not posted in a while. A lot had been going on for the last month, including getting pretty sick for nearly a week and then my sister came out for a visit for a week too!

While my sister was here we went over my paperwork and my wishes. There was paperwork done with my doctor, as in getting my M.O.S.T. form signed and my Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation Colorado Directive. With the Denver Health social worker we got my Medical Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care Decisions taken care of as well. This will hopefully keep the hospitals from doing anything to try to keep my alive at this point.

Do YOU have your paperwork together for your demise? Each state will have their own forms, but the form you want is the M.O.S.T. form. This is the link to the Colorado example: All about the M.O.S.T. Form.

You will need a Living Will of some sort and here’s the info for Colorado: Colorado Living Wills and Medical Durable Powers of Attorney: What You Need to Know

These are just some of the things that I have just recently gone through and wanted to relate to you all.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Skype Me

I have a Skype account set up now for this blog! My Skype Name is: Dying.With.Dignity so give that a try. More than likely the voicemail will kick in. If so, please leave me a message and I might Skype you back. If I do Skype you back, please be aware that I will be recording the call with my Mac.

One Off The Bucket List!

Wednesday afternoon I had the opportunity to actually do a one-on-one Skype call with Rick Simpson of Phoenix Tears! This is certainly something I never thought I would get the chance to do!

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

I need a sponsor please!

Is there anyone out there that can help me out please?

I am looking for a corporation or organization that would be willing to be my sponsor during my last few months. I need help in keeping my bills paid as I am not really able to real work for clients now. It is truly becoming difficult to concentrate and think hard these days. In fact, it is tough to read pages of text.

If there is such a company or person available, I could be a “spokesperson” or promoter. This would only be for a few months time, as I do not have that much time remaining. But it would be nice that for the remaining time that there would be no worries about rent, utilities, transportation and food. Though I am now getting food stamps, it would be wonderful to be able to go to a few restaurants that I like while I still have the chance.

So is there any type of a sponsor out there?

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Al Jazeera News!

Hey everyone, sorry I have not been good at my blogging duties, but I’ve been busy trying to get some things accomplished. Hopefully it will all mesh together. Though it is now Tuesday officially, it is still Monday night to me and earlier this evening I went to TV studio here in Denver and was on the Al Jazeera evening news!

The news anchor is John Seigenthaler and there are two sides of opinion, mine “Dying with Dignity” and John Kelly’s “Not Dead Yet”. I honestly don’t agree with most anything he is saying on this issue and his situation is very, very different than mine. And when you listen to him and check out the organization, they are speaking out as if everyone is severely disabled and that everyone can just endure the pain if they have enough “support”. Some of John Kelly’s statements this evening when applied to my situation simply made no logical sense in my book.

And bottom line, that’s the whole point. This is a personal choice that belongs to each individual and no one is to decide but the individual and John Kelly is trying his best to decide for me. That I will not allow. All the doctors and surgeons agree it is my right to not get another aortic valve replacement, if I choose not to. Then why don’t I also have that right to decide when and how my life ends, rather than drag it on to where I basically drown in my own blood as my heart can no longer pump out.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Middle of the week

Well the New York Times article from last Saturday has been causing a bit of a stir now. Lots of curious people, as well as people with strong feelings on this speaking out. I may have the chance now to speak out on Democracy Now! in the near future.

It is time to bring NATIONAL attention to this issue! This should NOT be decided via state by state! This is a HUMAN RIGHT and as such ALL CITIZENS deserve this right! I was told at first by Diana DeGette’s office that they did not need to be involved in this because this is a State’s Right issue and not national. I corrected the person I was speaking with and told them this is a human right and as such I need to speak to Ms. DeGette and they agreed! (So has Senator Bennet! Now I am just waiting to hear back from Senator Udall.)

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Why Your Donations Can Help Me Survive A Few More Months...

It has been more than four months now since I have last received any type of income for my work. For the last two months I have been surviving and paying my bills because of all the kind people that have donated some money towards my cause. But at this point, I am worried about making rent and the bills for March.

By some of the comments I have seen, it seems that some people think I am doing well with the donations. So far, I have paid the existing bills and nothing more. I use food stamps to eat with. There’s no money left over for me to consider visiting any friends out-of-state, going to the restaurants I love or any sort of luxury/partying. I’m just getting by without so far being forced to leave here.

Rent in the City of Denver has gone sky-high in the last few years and places are very difficult to find in the City. I have the perfect place to live, the perfect location for me. I’m in the same neighborhood that I have been living in off and on since 1981. I do not want to leave here. I am not able to leave here. It would take professional movers to get my stuff out of here and then where to? I do not have the money, energy and stamina to move now!

This is how I live:
$1000.00 month rent
$125.00 electric, gas, water, trash paid monthly to the landlord
$70.00 monthly to Comcast for internet service (I need broadband! Theres’s no TV or phone included)
$60.00 per month for my cell phone from CricKet
$70.00 per month for Geico car insurance
$27.00 monthly for my UPS mail box that I’ve had since March 1999
$25.00 monthly for my HostGator web hosting services (reseller plan)
$40.00+ monthly domain renewals for the many domains I own
$29.00 per month for the Adobe Creative Cloud software program (excellent deal!)
$70.00 per month on gas, oil for the car
$50.00 household stuff that is needed

$1566.00 and that just covers the bills

As of today through January 26th there has been a total of $45.00 in donations. I truly appreciate it, but at this rate I’m out on the streets at the end of February.

And it might upset some of you all, but that doesn’t cover my Medical Cannabis (marijuana) which is THE only pain medication I am presently taking. Though I get my medical care taken care of by Denver Health and Medicaid, I have to buy my pain meds on my own. That can be another $300.00 per month pretty easily.

I rather not just sit in my apartment and stagnate, but rather be able to go out and do some things while I am physically able to. I’m scared to spend any money I have now.

Don’t Waste The Suffering!

This was the advice from caller Paul from Washington after I made my second call into The Norman Goldman Show, he said “Don’t Waste The Suffering!”

At first I didn’t figure out what he meant and it took a few minutes to sink in. I totally understand and it was his words that inspired me. Yesterday I got to speak again on The Norman Goldman Show and this is the audio of me and two other callers speaking on this very important subject.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Tomorrow morning, Saturday February 8th, 2014 my story will be on the front page of the New York Times!!! It is online now at:
I find it amazing that within minutes of the New York Times posting my article online that Compassion and Choices glommed onto it like it was an article all about them! They are the very people/organization to turn their backs on me when I went to them for help in making my statement. They told me to go away and now they want to claim this article as theirs. No question this pisses me off! C&C’s Facebook post

In all fairness, they should have said on their Facebook post that Compassion and Choices decided to completely turn their backs on me and my situation! As soon as the news broke of dying with dignity in New Mexico, I started to research how it happened. It was a lawsuit brought on by C&C and the ACLU. My next step was to contact both. I had no problem getting in contact with C&C but I’ve not been able to make a dent getting through to the ACLU. I wanted to be someone that could do a little hell raising and speaking out about my situation before I pass.

I told them my plans of how I am not about to wait out the last moments of death before going, that I was going to go on my own terms. Though I qualify for hospice care, I am passing on it. The help that I would get from a hospice is something that I just won’t be needing. When I can no longer cook for myself, get up and down the stairs to my apartment, and/or use my Mac/software is when I am going to go, after eating a very nice last meal.

A couple days later I get a phone call from Pamela Mottola of C&C stating that in order for us to work together that I would have to agree that I would only starve myself to death as my form of dying!!! AYFKM!!!!

Everyone that I have told that story to, my friends who know me first show rage, then amazement and then end up laughing because of the insanity of it all! I am an ultimate foodie! I live to eat and food is about the most important thing in life. At least for me it is! To suggest that I starve myself to death is about the most bizarre and upsetting thing that I have had to deal with as far as this situation goes in a long, long time. It was truly an insult to me and I let Pamela know exactly this. The next day C&C quote “this effectively ends our relationship”. Yet minutes after the article comes out about me today, it is C&C that is trying to glom onto this article like it was about them.

Yes, they do serve a purpose. They helped New Mexico for sure. But it is not helpful for them to try to find puppets to die the way they demand the person die in order to get their help! That is EXACTLY what happened in my situation! No! This is a matter of choice! My choice! Not theirs! No one is going to be able to enforce their way of my dying my death. Not the State of Colorado and not Compassion and Choices.

Compassion and Choices turned their backs on me yet it was my face and my cat that was their last post on Facebook. They should have been fair about this and posted that they already were well aware of me! Now they ought to just keep it there and accept the flack the they might get.

Now my question to the audience out there...

Is there ANY organization/s out there that have the balls to help me fight this fight while I can? If so, let’s work together as my time is getting limited. I spend too much time resting/sleeping.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Arrrghhh! (Or something like that!)

Sorry ya’ll I’ve just not been in the mood to post anything lately! Went to the doctor to today for my monthly check up. I had a few errands to do before I got there and by the time I got to my appointment, I was in a lot of pain. Not my usual shoulder/neck/back pain, or my knees, ankles or elbows that all have been problems for decades but this time is was my heart that was hurting the most. And it has been now for the last few days my primary pain.

Believe me when I tell you that you can put off pain from your extremities, or just about anywhere else better than you can true heart pain. It is a deep and disturbing pain that has a special troublesome feeling. Some of the heart pain I have been putting up with since recovering from the operation 14 years ago and it took a decade for them to figure it out too...

When they nearly cut my heart in half in order to cut out the aortic valve, they created scars of course. The scarring caused nerve damage and it is neuro pain that I feel there. That can not be stopped with your “normal” pain medications, it takes a neuro med like Gabapentin, which I took for about three months before giving the shit up! It made me a zombie and I could not use my software, I could not study or concentrate on anything. So since then I have just put up with that pain, next month being two years since I stopped using it.

Now though, there is a new pain in a different area of my heart and it was quite difficult to explain the pain to my doctor today (now yesterday technically). It is deeper and more serious. It feels like major construction is happening there! I told my doctor it has been lately as if all the warning lights on my personal dashboard are flashing brightly.

For years now the medical people say to me when I say “heart pain”, they ask “Do you mean chest pain?” And it sort of pisses me off. I didn’t say chest pain did I? NO! My fucking heart has been cut in half! I know where my heart is and what the fuck it feels like! I know exactly where the pain is coming from. So in the future when I say heart pain, that is what I mean. If my chest starts bothering me, I’ll say so. (I have not been a happy camper the last few days!)

So my doctor and I talked more about death and my dying soon today as well. He is a very good person and he and I have talked politics for nearly a decade during my visits. He is a good progressive socialist like I am, like the Founding Fathers were. The doctor is visibly upset that his hands are so tied on this matter. He is not allowed to use his medical training and thoughts on some of this, rather he must obey the laws of Colorado, which are not humane or dignified. He knows that I will have to commit suicide at some point and that I do not yet have a good means to do this.

Speaking on that subject, on my way home from the doctor this evening I was listening to the Norman Goldman Show and they were talking about the death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman. So I had to call in to talk about this death.

I am actually quite jealous of how Hoffman got to leave this planet. My goodness, he didn’t even get the needle out of his arm! How cool is that? I’ve always heard that a heroin overdose is an ugly, bad way out. But if it is that quick, how bad can it be. I never thought I would be hunting down heroin for my death, but after this weekend I’ve really been thinking about it. Amazing that it is so much easier to buy heroin than it is to get Nembutal when you are terminal! That needs to change.

There is no reason that I should have to commit any criminal acts in order to Die With Dignity!

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Letter to the Editor of the Denver Post

I just sent this to the Denver Post a few minutes ago. Let’s hope they post this!

To the Denver Post and all its’ readers:

As a citizen and long-time resident of Colorado I find it quite ironic and disturbing that though I have the right to choose how I live my life while I am alive, I have little to no rights to choose how I die though I am terminally ill and mentally competent. Ironic in the fact that the bordering states of New Mexico and Montana have these rights, but yet the state leading the nation with medical and recreational rights for marijuana have nothing in place for its’ dying Patients. This is indeed a shame and a crime.

Why must I commit a crime as my last act on this planet when I go? Is it criminal to die in peace, to die with dignity? This is a question that we Coloradoians must ask and put forth to our legislators! In Oregon for instance, your doctor can just prescribe the Nembutal (pento barbital) that you take to put you into a deep sleep and then a painless, peaceful death. But there is no way that I can legally obtain this necessary prescription here in Colorado so that I might have a dignified death too.

I’ve lived a good life and accomplished things that many others would only imagine doing. Now I should be allowed to go when my body says “Quit!” rather than having to go through a very painful and ugly form of death. Please contact your local and state legislators about this subject because sooner or later it will effect your life at least once.

This is the story of my dying struggles here in Colorado:

Checking in!

Wow! It has been too long since my last post. Sorry about that! Life has been crazy and I have been moving slow the last week or so. I do have some sort of cool news though to report since my last post. It is not official since it has not been published yet, but I was interviewed by the New York Times last week for a story that they are going to do on my situation! 

Of course, when it posts to the New York Times I will let you all know about it.

Meanwhile, what does anyone know about the best way of purchasing and securing keeping Bitcoin? It sure is difficult trying to figure out anything about this form of virtual money. It could be a necessary thing for me to obtain in order to purchase Nembutal. Nembutal as you might know is the drug of choice for dying peacefully and it is what is prescribed in Oregon.
This is what you would use to
in the form of a quick drink to
have a peaceful ending.
A year ago and the previous couple years there was a dark net market called the “Silk Road” and this was were you could buy all kinds of illegal things, mostly drugs. This was where many dying, terminally ill Patients were going to purchase Nembutal, especially those in Australia. Last year the Silk Road was shut down, busted by the Feds.

Now there is a new Silk Road 2.0 and in order to purchase anything there via their shopping cart, you must use Bitcoin. To navigate the Silk Road 2.0 you must use your computer a little differently than you would usually do, unless you are truly a geek. First you must use a VPN client to mask your IP address and then you must use a special type of web browser known as TOR.
As of this time the previous marketers of the Nembutal on the Silk Road have yet to reappear on the Silk Road 2.0. Should it appear back on the dark net market and it checks out, then I would like to be prepared to purchase this by knowing how to handle the Bitcoin properly. This is very, very confusing! If you don’t handle your transactions and storage correctly you can get completely burned!

It is enough of a bummer that you have to be purchasing what should be legally obtainable by you through the black market, but the fact that you can not use a currency that is “normal” and you have to follow specific rules just to use the money makes it very tough to figure out. The language that is basically spoken is a coder’s/hacker’s sort of speak. It is not what I understand.

There used to be a time a few years back where it was fairly easy to go down to Mexico and buy Nembutal, but those days are over. The Mexican Feds have seemed to crack down more on it than they have the heroin or cocaine. You could buy it at pet shops and veterinarian supply stores there in Mexico as long as you made it seem you were purchasing for animal use. Too many people though were coming to Mexico from all over the World, purchasing the Nembutal and doing it there rather than taking it back to where they came from. The Mexican authorities did not like this image of Mexico and put the clamps down on the ways the general public can buy it there now.

Monday, January 20, 2014

If you were the mother of a dying daughter or son, what would you do?

This is quite the story of a mother in England that broke the “law” in order to help her poor daughter from suffering anymore. Watch this and then think about what you would do.
Well? What would you do?

The Most Brutal of all Operations!

I keep getting asked why don’t I just get the operation again? They say things like surely that has to be better than the alternative? Surely the operation/procedures are better now, that technology has advanced. Please let me remind you that we are dealing with slicing the heart open! This is NOT like by-pass surgery, this is removing the aortic valve and replacing it with another!
Now first of all, this would not be the first aortic valve replacement for me, if I were to do this, it would be for the second time, which is what I refuse to do. To do this all over again:

So first off, after being knocked out is splitting your chest in two once again. They will most likely take a slightly different path than your original scar. It goes a little differently the second time because I have tiny steel wires tying my chest together that are there to help hold me together from the first surgery.

Then your lungs are collapsed as to make more room to access the heart. Just the recovery from having your lungs collapsed is indeed struggle.

Your blood is no longer being fed with oxygen from your lungs, a machine is feeding the oxygen while pumping your blood, as the next step is to disconnect your heart from your body essentially. They literally take your heart out of your chest cavity to do the operation.

Then your heart is literally almost sliced in half to access the aortic valve, which is then sliced out. At that time the replacement valve size is assessed, chosen and stitched into place. Then the heart is put back together. After that everything else is all stuffed back together and hopefully all goes well.

I’m sure that there are some people that would/will/have done this brutal procedure a second time, but I will NOT! To replace the aortic heart valve this is about the only way to replace that valve. Even after all these years of technology.

There is a new procedure that is done through a catheter, but this is still in clinical trial stage and I have been looked twice now as a possible candidate and I do not qualify for several reasons, probably the most important one being that I have a deteriorating bovine valve in there now that they would have to put the replacement valve over.
It was great that I got 14+ years with this bovine valve. But I knew before the operation and then even more so after the operation that is was going to be a one-time ordeal.

If my aortic valve is replaced again, it will only be because it was done AGAINST my will and wishes! I do not want to be split open or invaded again!

Great Death Documentary

Every once in a while to keep it fresh, I am going to pop in a video, documentary or maybe even a song that I find relative to the subject of this blog, that I think you might like to partake in. This is a very interesting British documentary on assisted suicide.
This is how I would like to go, the way that Mr Smedley does in this documentary. It is very peaceful, humane and sane. No starving yourself, no blood, no violence and no pain!

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Robert M's First Call into the Norman Goldman Show

Before tonight I only had an mp3 posted of the original call into the Norman Goldman Show. I just now made this into a YouTube movie so that it might play easier/better for everyone.

An evening with John Doe at the Lion's Lair

Every year or so John Doe shows up to play a solo show somewhere in Denver, but usually at the Lion's Lair, a small dive on Colfax. He play there last night and tonight and I was lucky enough to catch the show last night. I was as close as you could possibly get and not be on stage.

I'm going to try to have a little fun during these last few months and live music is one of my most favorite ways to have fun going "out" somewhere.
 He played the acoustic guitar at first and then went to his electric guitar.
John Doe is one of the founding members of the original LA punk band X.
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Below is the audio clip from the Norman Goldman Show that started this all off for me.

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