Death With Dignitym2

2014 was thought to be my last year here
a diary of posts by Robert M


At the age of fifteen I contracted acute rheumatic fever, was in quarantine the first three days of the twelve days I was hospitalized. From that moment on was doomed to have a different life than most other people, I was a “severe” medical risk, a time bomb set in slow motion. At that time I did not know what was in store for me, though I was told some scary stories and that I wouldn’t live past the age of 45. And if I did live past that, it would only because I would have had parts of my heart, if not my whole heart replaced.

Robert M's First Call Into The Norman Goldman Show

Contact me at and please Skype me using my Skype name: Dying.With.Dignity

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Letter to the Editor of the Denver Post

I just sent this to the Denver Post a few minutes ago. Let’s hope they post this!

To the Denver Post and all its’ readers:

As a citizen and long-time resident of Colorado I find it quite ironic and disturbing that though I have the right to choose how I live my life while I am alive, I have little to no rights to choose how I die though I am terminally ill and mentally competent. Ironic in the fact that the bordering states of New Mexico and Montana have these rights, but yet the state leading the nation with medical and recreational rights for marijuana have nothing in place for its’ dying Patients. This is indeed a shame and a crime.

Why must I commit a crime as my last act on this planet when I go? Is it criminal to die in peace, to die with dignity? This is a question that we Coloradoians must ask and put forth to our legislators! In Oregon for instance, your doctor can just prescribe the Nembutal (pento barbital) that you take to put you into a deep sleep and then a painless, peaceful death. But there is no way that I can legally obtain this necessary prescription here in Colorado so that I might have a dignified death too.

I’ve lived a good life and accomplished things that many others would only imagine doing. Now I should be allowed to go when my body says “Quit!” rather than having to go through a very painful and ugly form of death. Please contact your local and state legislators about this subject because sooner or later it will effect your life at least once.

This is the story of my dying struggles here in Colorado:

Checking in!

Wow! It has been too long since my last post. Sorry about that! Life has been crazy and I have been moving slow the last week or so. I do have some sort of cool news though to report since my last post. It is not official since it has not been published yet, but I was interviewed by the New York Times last week for a story that they are going to do on my situation! 

Of course, when it posts to the New York Times I will let you all know about it.

Meanwhile, what does anyone know about the best way of purchasing and securing keeping Bitcoin? It sure is difficult trying to figure out anything about this form of virtual money. It could be a necessary thing for me to obtain in order to purchase Nembutal. Nembutal as you might know is the drug of choice for dying peacefully and it is what is prescribed in Oregon.
This is what you would use to
in the form of a quick drink to
have a peaceful ending.
A year ago and the previous couple years there was a dark net market called the “Silk Road” and this was were you could buy all kinds of illegal things, mostly drugs. This was where many dying, terminally ill Patients were going to purchase Nembutal, especially those in Australia. Last year the Silk Road was shut down, busted by the Feds.

Now there is a new Silk Road 2.0 and in order to purchase anything there via their shopping cart, you must use Bitcoin. To navigate the Silk Road 2.0 you must use your computer a little differently than you would usually do, unless you are truly a geek. First you must use a VPN client to mask your IP address and then you must use a special type of web browser known as TOR.
As of this time the previous marketers of the Nembutal on the Silk Road have yet to reappear on the Silk Road 2.0. Should it appear back on the dark net market and it checks out, then I would like to be prepared to purchase this by knowing how to handle the Bitcoin properly. This is very, very confusing! If you don’t handle your transactions and storage correctly you can get completely burned!

It is enough of a bummer that you have to be purchasing what should be legally obtainable by you through the black market, but the fact that you can not use a currency that is “normal” and you have to follow specific rules just to use the money makes it very tough to figure out. The language that is basically spoken is a coder’s/hacker’s sort of speak. It is not what I understand.

There used to be a time a few years back where it was fairly easy to go down to Mexico and buy Nembutal, but those days are over. The Mexican Feds have seemed to crack down more on it than they have the heroin or cocaine. You could buy it at pet shops and veterinarian supply stores there in Mexico as long as you made it seem you were purchasing for animal use. Too many people though were coming to Mexico from all over the World, purchasing the Nembutal and doing it there rather than taking it back to where they came from. The Mexican authorities did not like this image of Mexico and put the clamps down on the ways the general public can buy it there now.

Monday, January 20, 2014

If you were the mother of a dying daughter or son, what would you do?

This is quite the story of a mother in England that broke the “law” in order to help her poor daughter from suffering anymore. Watch this and then think about what you would do.
Well? What would you do?

The Most Brutal of all Operations!

I keep getting asked why don’t I just get the operation again? They say things like surely that has to be better than the alternative? Surely the operation/procedures are better now, that technology has advanced. Please let me remind you that we are dealing with slicing the heart open! This is NOT like by-pass surgery, this is removing the aortic valve and replacing it with another!
Now first of all, this would not be the first aortic valve replacement for me, if I were to do this, it would be for the second time, which is what I refuse to do. To do this all over again:

So first off, after being knocked out is splitting your chest in two once again. They will most likely take a slightly different path than your original scar. It goes a little differently the second time because I have tiny steel wires tying my chest together that are there to help hold me together from the first surgery.

Then your lungs are collapsed as to make more room to access the heart. Just the recovery from having your lungs collapsed is indeed struggle.

Your blood is no longer being fed with oxygen from your lungs, a machine is feeding the oxygen while pumping your blood, as the next step is to disconnect your heart from your body essentially. They literally take your heart out of your chest cavity to do the operation.

Then your heart is literally almost sliced in half to access the aortic valve, which is then sliced out. At that time the replacement valve size is assessed, chosen and stitched into place. Then the heart is put back together. After that everything else is all stuffed back together and hopefully all goes well.

I’m sure that there are some people that would/will/have done this brutal procedure a second time, but I will NOT! To replace the aortic heart valve this is about the only way to replace that valve. Even after all these years of technology.

There is a new procedure that is done through a catheter, but this is still in clinical trial stage and I have been looked twice now as a possible candidate and I do not qualify for several reasons, probably the most important one being that I have a deteriorating bovine valve in there now that they would have to put the replacement valve over.
It was great that I got 14+ years with this bovine valve. But I knew before the operation and then even more so after the operation that is was going to be a one-time ordeal.

If my aortic valve is replaced again, it will only be because it was done AGAINST my will and wishes! I do not want to be split open or invaded again!

Great Death Documentary

Every once in a while to keep it fresh, I am going to pop in a video, documentary or maybe even a song that I find relative to the subject of this blog, that I think you might like to partake in. This is a very interesting British documentary on assisted suicide.

This is how I would like to go, the way that Mr Smedley does in this documentary. It is very peaceful, humane and sane. No starving yourself, no blood, no violence and no pain!

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Robert M's First Call into the Norman Goldman Show

Before tonight I only had an mp3 posted of the original call into the Norman Goldman Show. I just now made this into a YouTube movie so that it might play easier/better for everyone.

An evening with John Doe at the Lion's Lair

Every year or so John Doe shows up to play a solo show somewhere in Denver, but usually at the Lion's Lair, a small dive on Colfax. He play there last night and tonight and I was lucky enough to catch the show last night. I was as close as you could possibly get and not be on stage.

I'm going to try to have a little fun during these last few months and live music is one of my most favorite ways to have fun going "out" somewhere.
 He played the acoustic guitar at first and then went to his electric guitar.
John Doe is one of the founding members of the original LA punk band X.

Robert M speaks with Senator Bernie Sanders

On Friday morning, January 17th, Robert M makes a call into the Thom Hartmann Show and briefly gets to speak with Senator Bernie Sanders.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Disappointment Today!

Hey there!

Trying to get more and more attention to this situation, to get people thinking about what are they going to do when it might be their time? Wish that maybe they fought for their right to die with dignity before realizing that now they too are stuck in a surreal life?

So I was sort of volunteering, as well as asking for help from the national division of Compassion and Choices, since they were one of the two organizations that was instrumental in the ruling that happened in New Mexico on Monday. I thought that I could be a vocal advocate for them and help get Colorado the same rights as our bordering states of Montana and New Mexico.

Here's the deal as far as Compassion and Choices go in helping me with any of this. Since there is no legal means of ending your life with a medication in Colorado, the only allowable way to end your life and work under the cooperation of C&C is the starve yourself to death, no food and water!

How is that dignified? How is that living your last few days in comfort? How is this a compassionate means? This is NOT my choice!

I was quite stunned by the news as I heard it told to me on the phone today. It was very disappointing and I guess I won't be mentioning that organization much again. Also today I tried to get in touch with the Colorado division of the ACLU via phone and that is next to impossible. Last night I sent them an email to the correct address, but there is a minimum 30 day wait!

Right after the Norman Goldman Show started today I decided to give Norm another call to express my disappointment:

The Grim Reaper is hanging in Colorado and he has something he wants YOU to know!

The Grim Reaper asks YOU...

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Today I speak on the Norman Goldman Show again!

The news that I read today about the ruling in New Mexico yesterday makes me both joyous and sad at the same time. Joyous over the fact that yet another state in this nation is giving its' citizens the right to die with dignity. At the same time I am very sadden by the fact that now I am almost surrounded by states bordering my State of Colorado, New Mexico to the south, Montana to the north and then not too far to the west are both Washington and Oregon.

How is it so that the people in those states have the right to die with dignity and yet I do not? This is the very question I posed on this audio segment:

Ah, the everyday life of dying slowly. I'm on food stamps now and today I had to go into the giant federal building in Denver for SNAP and many other programs. They wanted me to go through EMPLOYMENT ORIENTATION TRAINING! Hello!

I've been asked by several people why would I have my doctor write me a letter stating that I am dying soon? For exactly these reasons! You don't get "dying papers" when you die, do you? There's paperwork once you're gone. That can't work now!

BTW, I can work and I am looking for work, but it has to be web work and only small projects, like simple Facebook apps and the like that I can handle as it is getting tougher and tougher to concentrate and use my software these days. At the moment I have almost zero income coming in and I do not get unemployment and would never qualify.

But who wants to hire someone to do web work when they are going to be dead soon and then just imagine the communication problems that there would be should they ever need me to do an edit!

BIG NEWS from New Mexico!

Sorry folks that I've been away for a few days from this bloggerooooski, but I was trying to get other things done. How about the BIG NEWS from New Mexico yesterday?!! A judge there ruled that the citizens have the right to die with dignity if they are terminally ill and mentally competent. That means I would not have any problem getting the legal prescription I seek, if I was a resident of New Mexico! That's only a couple hundred miles away, so why can't I have that right too?

Saturday, January 11, 2014

The Gloria Neal Show Part Four

And to complete the Gloria Neal Show's segment on "death with dignity" she closes with the second part of speaking with Robert.

The Gloria Neal Show Part Three

This is the first of two segments where Gloria Neal speaks to me.

The Gloria Neal Show Part Two

This is the second segment of Gloria Neal speaking to Dr. David Mayo.

The Gloria Neal Show Part One

On Thursday morning Gloria Neal did the first hour of her show on the choice of "death with dignity". She first spoke to Dr. David Mayo of the University of Minnesota and this is the first of two parts of her speaking with the doctor.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Well among the other things that went wrong yesterday was that Shiela called me as I was driving to tell me that we are no longer a couple and that she has to end things! It was a bit of a surprise at first, but I almost expected it. It has been almost a year since I had to move her down to AZ so she could live in the house she owns (long story). Since then we have been keeping in touch almost daily, but it was a real drag at times being far away and too broke to do anything about it.

Maybe the toughest part of the news is the fact that now she is not going to take Meyer now either. I was really planning on my cat of nine years to go to her because they used to play very well together. Now I am not sure what I am going to do.
Before I got up this morning, I did not know that Gloria Neal was planning talking about my very situation of her radio show. All I knew was the fact that she was going to do a segment today on the issue of "Dying With Dignity" so I decided to get up way early today to listen in and see if I could maybe speak about my situation.

Gloria had already planned on talking about my situation whether I was there on air with her or not! I did not know that until I called in and I was told to hang up and they will call me back if she wanted me on the air. A couple minutes later I got the call!

THANK YOU SO MUCH GLORIA FOR SPEAKING ABOUT MY SITUATION AND MAKING PEOPLE MORE AWARE OF THIS SITUATION! Both for me and everyone else that is also going through the same hell like I am going through now.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Got a letter from my doctor explaining my situation and stating about how much longer I might have yet to live.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Well the weekend is ending and it has been a cold one! It is 2 degrees at this moment! Brrrr but it is better than summer. Time to put an IBC Root Beer in the freezer for 30 minutes. There's been a big glass mug waiting for this in the freezer for about 48 hours.

After thirty minutes I fill the frozen mug with Breyers Original Vanilla Ice Cream and then slowly pour the slushy root beer on top and mix it into a tasty frozen treat! It's about my only big bad food vice, other wise I eat pretty healthy, except for maybe the radiated seafood that's been coming in from the Pacific!

I was able to fix the original audio that I had up on the net, now there's no hiss.

There's been a new custom QR Code made for the occasion:

If anyone needs their own custom QR Codes, I'm available to make those for your use! Just shoot me an email. Same for any custom Facebook Business Page apps that you might need to make your Facebook Business Pages look for professional.

Today/yesterday as I will be going to bed soon, wasn't too bad of a day. I actually braved the snow and ice and went to the grocery store. Sometimes my heart seems to hurt and bother me the most when I am first lying down trying to sleep. That's when I am not keeping myself occupied or moving or anything to keep my mind off all the various pain I am dealing with. I'm trying to relax, relax my brain as well and that's when it is more easy for the pain to break through. But then when I get to sleep the pain seems to end most of the time.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Today is one of those days where everything that can go wrong, goes WRONG and then even more goes wrong, that has been this day! I had so many things I wanted to do and all I did was go backwards. My patience is wearing very thin at times!

Ever had thirty some email accounts all blow up at once on your email client? Believe me, you don't want that to ever happen! Hours at the Genius Bar, hours on the phone with the server people, hours fighting what worked just fine 12 hour previous. All I did was make the mistake of going to bed and expecting everything to be the same as I left it when I went to bed. No such luck. Sometimes my Mac kicks my ass more than my heart does!
The cover image for the new Facebook “Causes” Page that I made at and this is the profile image: 

Well it is now officially Friday and another day is gone. I do not seem to get nearly enough done these days. Next week people will be ready to get things done and I will get on with this. The pain the last few days has been a drag, but it is mostly my shoulders, back and necks that are giving me the most pain at the moment.

Eating hash oil helps with the pain. One of the pains that I have in my heart has been a constant nuisance for more than a decade. It was determined a couple years ago that it is due to scar tissue damage on some nerves that were cut and the only thing pharmaceutical that stops that pain is Gabapentin or the like. When I was on that, I could not work, could not think, could not use my software. So I gave it up after three months.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Another day and I did not get anything done but make a couple phone calls and go to the bank. I get so tired too quickly. WilL try to work on this blog and website some tomorrow/later today. Time for pumpkin pie and whipped cream now!
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Below is the audio clip from the Norman Goldman Show that started this all off for me.

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